I guess the reason I haven't been updating is that I just don't feel it anymore. This isn't my ever-other-week emptiness (thanks for pointing that out, Doodles), no, this is something much more hollow and cold. I think about my art very rarely nowadays. I pick up a sketch pad and put it down after two minutes.
But I'm not unhappy. I'm not depressed or moody or PMSing; there's just NOTHING INSIDE OF ME. It's like every bit of art NEVER HAPPENED.
GF's future has two options: 1) I somehow get an artgasm and get back into loving my work and desiring to do it and finding some meaning in this shell of an existence or 2) my heart and mind finally accept that my art has and never will get me beyond a grade school dream and I become another faceless cog in the world with sixteen years of failure on my back. In that case, at least I've got plenty to burn, right?
Yes, that means BLOOD is on hold and even my not-even-started Secret Wars project on deviantART are all meaningless piles of paper and fail taking up my bedroom closet and floor.
Hell, best case scenerio is I give my brain a break from this guilt I have to update, my stress goes away, my jaw clenching ceases and I can sleep more fully. Maybe if I stop worrying about it, I can actually do it. But that's best case.
Let it play out.
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6 comments:
A good friend of mine is always reminding me "do what you need to do for you" and he's right about it. So take your time in figuring out what it is you need for you to be happy and don't beat yourself up over it. Whether it be drawing or not shouldn't matter, so long as you're happy. ^^
well, actually, what you describe there is pretty much (one) description of "depression". You don't have to be down all day to qualify for that. But if you don't want to leave your bed, you feel total emptyness inside and you don't have any fun doing your hobbies (I am talking about your art), then you have a really serious depression. Try to get professional help. Worst (or best?) case they/you discover that you are really not depressive. Perhaps they can help you...
@sic-
It's so hard to think I have depression given the lack of crying and amount of laughing I've been doing. As I said, it's just like a switch went off in my head and nothing ever happened.
The sleeping is because I'm lazy, it's cold, I'm fat and the only thing I have worth getting out of bed for is work.
Your concern and suggestions are appreciated and I really want to return to GF and Blood soon for everyone's sake. My apologies.
It sounds like you feel you aren't experiencing textbook depression symptoms, but that's just because you haven't read the right textbook.
A very close friend of mine just went through similar feelings. Yes, with plenty of laughing, etc., but also feelings of emptiness and the pointlessness of getting out of bed.
After a lot of suffering, we got him to a doctor, and turns out it was a thyroid problem. Depression can be that easy, and that serious (ignore it, and a thyroid problem will eff up your health, not just your emotions).
Not saying it's necessarily a thyroid problem, just that unexplained emotions that are keeping you from living the life you want to live are often caused by medical problems. Get to a doctor, please--a regular physician is fine.
If you need motivation, one thing that really helped my friend was this: a lot of people are suffering from various emotional turmoil. Each person who makes a commitment to recovery is an inspiration to the rest. Even if going to a doctor turns out to be right for you, you'll set a good example for the people who really do need a doctor.
@j1000-
That's some great information. It's weird to think something like a thyroid being a bitch could cause one's life to become uninteresting (I thought when they blew a fuse they just made you FAT, but I've had that for YEARS).
It's probably a good idea. I hate going to the doctors, I hate meds, I hate feeling like I can't control this slab of meat (and fat), but I'm starting to hate feeling this way much more than that.
It's probably a good idea.
Thank you for your concern; it means a lot to me
I go through those spells with my writing sometimes. It's not that I love the writing any less, but it's like the well dries up and I can't push my story forward. If I force it, it just makes my brain hurt, which then gets me very frustrated. Take comfort in the fact that you are a true artist and nothing can take that from you, even if it goes unrecognized, YOU know what you are. Often we find inspiration when we are not looking. So stop looking, take a break, follow a new path for a while. Don't worry about what others think, just be you. One of my favorite sayings is "Creativity is a fickle B*tch!" I wish you luck in finding your true path. :-)
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